Practice started a bit depressing today…I took the kids to a movie and dinner, courtesy of my dad – the best dad in the world – and I met 2 people who were eating alone. The man in the restaurant really made me sad. It was depressing and I don’t like to put that out there, that because you eat alone, you must be lonely because I have ate alone on many occasions. But I felt lonely for him. Maybe because he reminded me of someone else, or maybe because I was in a place where I had a clear view to be reminded because the women in the restaurant did not bother me a bit. I wonder if I can feel the energy people give off though. Sometimes when things are tense between my husband and I, I can feel what I can only describe as a black cloud reaching into me. It feels like he is emitting it as his anger towards me. It feels real so I won’t dismiss it as my mind playing tricks on me, which I have decided today is nothing but a bunch on nonsense talk. I mean, isn’t it your mind that decides your reality? So why would it play tricks on you? That would be an awful cruel joke. I have actually wondered before if people who have mental illnesses such as schizophrenia are not just more in tune with things! That would be a cruel joke now.
Back on track. I swam today. I could see the same aura which actually I could see outside of the water, but I needed a white background and to really concentrate. I hope it becomes easier, but like I said before, I am choosing to believe until I have a reason not to. I went for a walk afterwards. I felt very calm. I took in all of my surroundings and I found myself talking to myself. Which, if you know me, Is not unusual. But this time it was more like eat, pray, love style. It felt like the answers were coming from elsewhere. It felt like an argument of me saying now please, give me answers now and my mind saying “later”.
Then when I meditated today, I feel like I came to a breakthrough. I was feeling that depressed feeling. Like this is going nowhere and I want results. Sure, I feel peaceful, but is it peace or complacence? So I sat and became more zoned out and feeling like I was trapped in my body, my eyes were mad because they really can’t see that much of the world. Only what little amount the slits let in. Then my son came in the room. He opened the door and then closed it quickly and said, “sorry!” But he needed to walk through to the bathroom for something and so he said as he walked by “I am not really here. It is all a figment of your imagination.” It made me laugh and I needed that laugh. It made me feel so much better about my life. I had actually been thinking as I sat and heard my kids in the other room, what will I do when their voices no longer fill my house? They are my joy. Then this happened and I had to focus on what my mind had been thinking. I know in meditation, you are supposed to clear your mind and follow your breath. This is so hard for me because my mind goes crazy with ideas and thoughts and I do get caught up in them. I began to convince myself that there is nothing wrong with that because it is a way to really clear up your mind on issues you are facing. Think about them and get past them – is what I was thinking. But after that moment when Z walked in, I realized I was not thinking about things and then getting past things, I was thinking about things and then thinking about them again, and again and again! There it is the real monkey mind I have been introduced to. I had thought it was the mind just being scattered, but really it is the mind that keeps us trapped in our thoughts! Aha! Now I am choosing to enjoy the rest of the day with the kiddos and back to my affirmations at bed time.