I was in need of reading this today. It says that real pleasure comes from serving God and his will. Any seeking of pleasure that is based on physical needs/impulses is not a message from God. Yet, we still must work with each other to share God’s love and message because we have dimmed his love. It says that fantasy distorts reality and causes us wanting to change something we have no power to change.

Recently, I experienced this. My life has become busy. Classes have started and my kids have started a new school. I had so many concerns. I needed to provide for my students, for my studies, and for my children. Every hour of the day was me giving. And then my husband, had to go out of town. So now I was responsible for everything. I was doing just fine, but I began to fantasize. I began to fantasize about having a husband that did not leave. Not anyone in particular, just a make believe husband that got up every morning with me and shared in the duties. Not just the physical duties but the emotional ones too.

Then we experienced a crisis. My son did something. I won’t embellish here because it is his story, but he did something that caused me to resent my husband not being here. I was so angry and I didn’t call him. He would have rushed home, but I didn’t even want him there. I hated that he couldn’t be there all of the time. And that only made things worse because I began to build up this husband in my head that was there. That helped me and did all the fatherly things with my boys.

I build a man that I did not have to be the strong one for. I could cry and be comforted by this man. He would hold me and tell me everything would be alright and then he would take my children and I out and make memories!

I don’t have that husband and I was making myself suffer. What I have is the husband that will do anything, ANYTHING, I tell him to do. I resent sometimes that I have to tell him everything. He should know how to be a father, but he doesn’t. So i have to remind him to spend time with his kids. When he does spend time with his kids, it’s amazing! They have so much fun!

My impulse is to wish for a husband that is strong, caring, makes a ton of money so I don’t have to worry, knows exactly how to take care of his family, is always giving and never wanting.

The husband that I have is caring, compassionate, and willing to do anything that is asked of him. I am still struggling and I may never find the way to stop fantasizing and start asking for what I want. I don’t know if we are raised to think it is a better quality to find someone to guess our needs and be right than to just ask, but I was raised to appreciate that more I guess. And maybe I should look more into that. Why should he be expected to guess what our family and myself needs? So what that it doesn’t change from year to year, he is a busy man and should get some warning as to when life is going to go to blow up.

It’s time for me to be a miracle. It says that it needs to pass from body to body because it is so dim. I will look for the warning signs when things are beginning to fall apart and I will share that information with my husband so that he can start working with me. I will put the work in, instead of thinking of how much better it would be if I had my imaginary husband and my children had that imaginary father, because the truth is, he could probably build an imaginary wife and mother that performs even better than I also. We are all human after all.

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