I want to do God’s work! I can tell when I am in tune with my purpose. All feels right. But then a shift occurs. It’s time for me to make a change. Then fear creeps in. Fear of the act of my own decisions. My analytical mind wants to weigh each option. Make a pro and con list because while the fear is circling through my body, I can’t tune in. My physical being is in a state of unrest. Hunger disappears yet eating becomes automatic. Thinking about what to eat takes a moment away from the state of alert living in my stomach.
Scrolling through social media numbs my mind but at the same time leaves waves of guilt for not accomplishing what I am supposed to accomplish. I scream inside my head, “it does not need immediate attention! Breathe!” I wonder if people with anxiety feel this everyday and my heart goes out to them.
“You are perfectly safe as long as you are completely unconcerned about your readiness, but maintain a consistent trust in mine.” P25
I am reminded that God has a plan for me. If I am meant to leave my graduate program to begin a new start (and waste all that time and money!) then I will. God will show me the way. I must breathe and look for the signs. I need to tune in to the light living in me and hear the message. I cannot be a miracle worker if I am fighting God’s plan. “The healer who relies on his own readiness is endangering his understanding…If your miracle working inclinations are not functioning properly, it is always because fear has intruded on your right-mindedness and has turned it upside down.” P25
Whenever matters of money are in the forefront, fear pulls me backwards. I question and second guess everything! I was raised to be poor but it is not my destiny. God has always provided everything I have ever needed. As an adult, and a person of faith, I have never gone hungry, I have never been cold, and my children have had all of their needs met and then some.
“Corrective learning always begins with the awakening of spirit, and turning away from the belief in physical sight. This entails fear…” P26
I am so grateful to have the collective works from those before me. Those who walked with God alive in their hearts so that when I struggle, I can be reminded.
I look for the light, the signs, and I breathe. God, light the path for me. Stand with me in my struggles. Provide for me as you always have. I will continue to follow and do the work you have prepared for me. I will have faith and trust.