6:24 …You cannot serve God and money.
6:27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
6:33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
7:7 Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.
These speak to me on such a personal level. Recently, I was considering a switch in graduate studies and possibly career. Money was on my mind a lot. I have always had a fear of being without. It stems from knowing hunger as a child. (Not that I was starving, aha!, but I was. I was starved of faith.)
My daily prayers always include a thank you for my provisions. I know I have always had what I needed and I have faith that I always will (even if it means humbling myself and asking for assistance from the rest of mankind.) I also always include the fact that I want to know what my purpose is. I want to do what I am supposed to do while I take up space in this plane and breathe this air.
I used to be all rebellious. I didn’t want anyone telling me what to do. But God isn’t anyone. God is everything. And what I’ve found is that when you align with that, your life has purpose and meaning. It is more fulfilling than any chocolate cake, any amount of tequila, any drug, any man or woman, any human anything. It is an overwhelming feeling of love. God loves us always but it gets lost. It gets lost in all those things that block it from entering us.
So now I pray that God will be clear in those signs. (Although, I still struggle with distinguishing my ambivalence with fear or a sign. It is a process that is improving though!)
And God always delivers those signs. So as I signed up for the GRE, which I would need to have in order to get into the new program, I was kicked off the registration page. Still , I persisted. As I drove to take my test, my car began to make strange sounds, as if it forget how to shift properly. I prayed that I would make it and not break down on the highway! I received the information about transferring – about 3 classes max would work. Ugh. I spoke with a close friend who is also a psychic. It is a wonderful relationship I cherish but I still had no answers I wanted. I felt the pull from my best friend and sister, yet I wasn’t even certain which way she was pulling! I spoke with my advisor about licensing in my current program and then eventually, a sense of calm overtook me. I knew I needed to do the work I am doing now. Change might being more money. Maybe even more power but it did not fit with what I saw of myself.
After that, several things happened. My husband showed me his bonus and raise. (What? I didn’t even know he was getting that!) my son went to a check-up spot and was handed $30 for remaining in the study. (What? We came to make sure his teeth could handle orthodontics. We didn’t even know the study was still going!)
So again, I am reminded. God is in charge. I can fight it, free will is a real thing!, but as soon as I start to veer, anxiety comes. Fear comes. Patience and prayer. Then answers present themselves and God envelopes me in love and light.
God will always take care of me. Sometimes I will question this. My humanness can’t help it. But my faith always prevails. As I continue my quest for faith and God, I question it less. Someday I know I will come to a time when my first reaction is to sit back and let God do what is supposed to be done through me.