I will be reading A Voice of Knowledge again. I was reading a chapter at time and sitting to reflect on what was provided to me. But then my patience ended and I devoured it, like a starving dog.
Because maybe that’s exactly what I am.
I have never in my life been able to grasp the concept of love. I have felt it, sure. But not the kind of love that envelopes your whole being, takes you over and provides such a feeling of comfort and protection. The kind of love that only God can provide (at least that is what I still call it, even though I have abandoned my previous notion of a man in the sky).
I have had the love that a boy can provide. The infatuation that a love sick heart find when they see dark and handsome across the room.
I have had the love that a mother feels. The kind that says, “I would die for you.” And means it with every ounce of their being.
I have had the love you give to a friend who shows up at 3am because their whole world was shook when they found a text from another woman.
I have been to church and sat in a pew doing all I can not to let the tears fall down my cheeks because I was an outsider to the love everyone around me felt. I knew something greater was going on there, but I didn’t know how to let it be with me.
Then one day, I heard a pastor say (I wish I knew which one) that someday, you will need to have faith. Have faith and once you do that the floodgates will open. That one small step will turn into a cycle of love and hope and all it takes is one small experiment with faith.
So I did it. I prayed to God. For real. I prayed expecting God to listen to my heart. But something was different when I started praying this time. I prayed not for things or circumstances to change. I prayed with faith. “God please guide me. Show me the signs. I will listen. I will follow.”
That is where it got both easier and harder. Because the signs came. Then I had to decide to trust. Faith and trust. Every decision is yet to be made. Every decision is a test to my strength. Because God’s guidance is not what I expected, even though it is exactly what I envisioned.