“Incline your ear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Preserve my life, for I am godly; save your servant, who trusts in you- you are my God. Be gracious to me, O Lord, for you do I cry all the day. Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.”
The fear is starting to come in so I am turning to my faith and my Bible, but I’m having a hard time connecting. That feeling of love and light that lives inside my core is fading. I question my choices. But ultimately, when I look at the way things were, I’m still certain I am headed down the path that leads to happiness.
Still, I fear. I fear for my children. How will I provide for them? I must remember that God is my provider. God is my comfort. I pray. I get on my knees and pray, even though I know God can hear my every thought.
I made a point yesterday to get together everything we owe. Next week we go to the court to file and we decided a mediator might be the best route. I hope we aren’t required to have attorneys because we really don’t want to spend more money than necessary. It was so scary to see what is owed. And then I spiraled. I questioned my ability. I looked at my son this morning and remembered that he would have a birthday and his brother would too. I remembered that Christmas would happen and not only would the money for those things be limited, I am just at this moment realizing that the time will also be limited.
I cannot imagine not waking up to my boys on Christmas morning! And now I feel like I could just break down and cry. What am I doing? Does the existence of a place filled with powerful, positive, energy outweigh the idea of sharing all of those special days? It must because I am past the point of return.
So, I pray. God, please be with me. Join me in this. Join my family, my children, my ex. Provide us with your provisions, your comfort, and please be with us as we make this transition. I cannot bear the thought of my children’s sadness. Please show me the signs so that I know I am doing what I should do.