If the choice is between comfort and safety with a few brief moments of complete disconnect, followed by 30 seconds of pleasure repeated twice, while major neglect is ignored

AND

The extreme notion of deep love, with the possibility of utter failure, did pair, and heartbreak,

would you choose to feel those BIG emotions or he trapped by a soulless, numb existence?

HA! Answer me that.

Because when I sit still in that numb state and ignore all the signs of abandon, all the selfish acts followed by random niceties when things get too upset, it gets comfortable and I toy with the idea of a heartless existence. A pretending to be happy and fulfilled in order to not upset the status quo.

But for some reason…it get stirred. Adrenalin to my otherwise meaningless moments. Spice to my tea. And I begin to think God wants more for me. It cannot be another cruel joke. What is this life for if not for the experiences? The joys, the LOVE?

I’m just not sure if my heart is strong enough to break again. It’s so very fragile. Filled with splinters. Pieced together by that exact notion of being soulless, emotionless.

God wouldn’t kill me that way, would he?

I cannot be fearful. Because if I do nothing, my life cannot move forward at all. Why would I sit stagnate in a pool of tepid water?

So

It’s not about him. Or any other. It’s about me. God, please make sure I survive this and please don’t leave any casualties in my wake. I truly do love each and every one. Even the one I’m leaving behind.