“You may believe you are responsible for what you do, but not for what you think, because it is at this level that you can exercise choice. What you do comes from what you think.”
I’m not saying I’m 100% but something happened where the switch went off. From fear to faith. From fear to love. I truly feel like God is providing me everything I need.
Today I filled out the papers for divorce. I have a couple of really great friends that are holding me to who I am throughout this process. I need these people and I know God placed them in my life at this moment. God speaks through them, he shows me love by their actions.
- The music played, the meditation guided me and the moment came when I was so relaxed, I finally felt my heart slow to a pace that did not hurt. I quit shaking. I didn’t even know I had been until I found that stillness under the glasses. They are hard to describe. Lights danced across the inner portions and blocked out all stimuli from the room. It was comforting. She said the words that drifted me to a calm state, the place that made my heart relax, the pain feel less, the excitement become a normal transitional state. Then he talked me down. He led me to a place where love existed. To think of a human so caring, he would tell me exactly what I needed to hear. I could be free, I would be free. I know my own key to happiness and no one holds it for me. There is a place inside me that only I know. A place so at peace, so in love, so in tune and in touch that no fear can hold anything. I found that place for a moment and I hope it never goes away.
- She is my voice of reason and by reason I mean my own. She does not judge. She hears my plea for happiness and hope. She knows that people will not approve, she knows they will judge and they will not understand. Even my closest friends and family question my sanity and worry about my regret that must be coming soon, yet she says my happiness is worth it. Even if you fall on your face! So what, fuck ’em. There it is. Not a promise of everything will be okay but a promise that it could be, or it could not be. Truth. Truth without judgement. Life goes on. People will talk. People will not approve, but she will love me anyway.
- He gives me sweet words. He builds me up. He makes me feel like love is possible. He’s kind and gentle and has yet to break me. He might still. I cannot be guaranteed anything. But it doesn’t matter, because I’m still in this, or getting out of this, for me. I will find my peace in my own bed by my own self. Yet, it does help to have a possibility. I do not want to be lonely the rest of my life. I do know that freedom from fear only goes so far though, because I cannot fathom tearing down the walls that protect my heart. Love is not an option. But progress is made in the idea of possibility.
I may be able to control my thoughts…sometimes I have to scream them to cover the whispers behind speaking of failure. Yet, I have yet to disconnect my feelings from my thoughts. I wish I could trust God that much. I will continue to learn to listen. I know God also speaks through me. But I have been so bad at distinguishing the voice for so long, its hard to trust. I guess that would be the conflict.