I am the kindest soul you will ever meet, but I’ll fuck you up in my head. I can stand here and take all that you blow at me. It hits me like a brick to the chest, but I’ll swallow it all down. I’ll smile and pretend it isn’t filling me with an overwhelming amount of –  guilt for the decisions I make. It burns me every time you speak.

You act like my decisions affect you. But who are you in my insignificant existence? My moon doesn’t even square your sun. Even those who stand in my shadow and drink the river of my ugly choices don’t feel as much hate for me as you.

Fuck you. You say you were my friend. You say you will stand by me. I know what you say when the door closes. When the lights go out, you dish out all my dirt. You think I don’t know. I’ve heard it all. All the secrets you’ve spilled that belong to me. You’d think I’d hate you too, but in reality, in reality…it hurts like nothing I have ever felt.

I’m supposed to be the one you protect. I thought you were my armor. I expected to wear you when my strength failed me, but instead, I climb this mountain alone.

I hate you. But how can I hate you when I love you. When I walked away from him, I didn’t know he would take you too.

Yet, every day we look at each other. We stand side by side and pretend. We pretend we are the same two we always were. We could conquer the world together. We are the sisters that everyone wishes they could be. A bond that never fails and a love bigger than anything.

Except this.

I hope someday you see that the choices I make are not choices at all. You think I should go left, when the only thing there is a cliff and a line so thin I would slip on the pebbles. I cannot breath there.

Yet, I know there is no coming back. It’s a betrayal that gouges at my very being. Especially when you spend the next day standing in lecture at how I should behave. It’s so hard to hold my tongue. I want to scream at you! I know what you did. I know.

The wine makes me brave tonight. The smallness of my existence allows me to speak my mind. But the truth is I have been shattered. He could never have hurt me as much as you did, when you decided there were so many things more important than me. So I didn’t tell you everything. How does that give you the right? I would have told you. I might have told you. No, I couldn’t have told you everything. You would have stood tall and told me that my thinking was flawed. That my actions were filled with ignorance. That my thoughts were well intentioned but wrong.

It’s unbelievable that that could also have been a dream. Something I made up in my head that didn’t fit the reality living right in front of my face. If only God would not have gifted me with such a happy soul, maybe then I would see the knives as they come out.

Another life lesson, another piece of me. I fucking hate you for this.

 

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