I moved. I did it. I even crammed that mattress in the back of my jeep all by myself. I cried my eyes out so many times, I used anger this time.
I moved my stuff in. God love my nephew who said, “Fuck that, you’re moving in with me.” God bless my (ex)sister-in-law who called and the first thing she asked is how I was doing. (I treated her so badly when she left my brother. I’m sorry. I didn’t know the whole story.)
I’m drinking right now. A lot. I know I am supposed to be reading my Bible and being all holy. I went to Baptism class this morning, after all. But I can’t. All I want to do is drink and be angry and accept myself. I am not the typical mother. I’m not the typical woman. I probably won’t ever be.
I look at my favorite pictures of my children and their innocent faces and I think, I love you so much. I want you to have the world. I want you to have your world and how I am supposed to teach you to have your own world if I am too scared to even take mine.
God bless my ex who is with them right now being super-dad. (wish you would have done that when I was with you – who knows if you ever would have – who knows if it would have changed the outcome, I might have lived in misery forever to give them a glimpse at a normal life.)
I look around this room and I see my mattress on the floor. I don’t care. I see my art stacked against the wall. I see my bags of clothes littered on the floor. My nephew outside with his friends. Young souls experiencing their youth. I hear the music. I dance like a fool. I am happy. So many people in this world tell me I shouldn’t be. But I am. My true loves see who I am and they celebrate with me.
The only thing I am missing is my boys. Their rooms are empty. But I made their beds and we wait for them. I saw them today and we laughed together. That is all I need. Their happiness.
Let’s do this forever. Let’s be who we are. Even if it doesn’t make any sense to the stupid fucking normal people. Fuck them all. It is the joy that God wants us to experience that drives me to be the person I was born to be. I am not a normal mother but I am a good fucking one. I am not a normal woman but I kick ass at being a fucking princess. So fuck all of you who think I’m making mistakes. Mistakes make us human and if I don’t see you living your dream, your a fucking pussy and a waste.