“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,…”

I believe in reincarnation. And things like this only make me believe more. I used to believe that we chose our own parents for the lessons we are to learn, but now I believe it is a collaboration with God and God gets to make the ultimate decision. Free will, yet God is in control. What is death if not the opposite of … wait, wouldn’t it be birth? I’ve heard that before and it made me ponder like crazy. What is the opposite of life after all?

Every night I tell my children how much I love them and how grateful I am that they are in my life. I think it is so very important for them to know. Probably because I didn’t feel it myself when I was a child. I only remember feeling lonely.

I think there was a time when I knew I wasn’t alone. The last time I was hypnotized, I bypassed all of the places I used to hide in order to hang out in the happy ones. I had forgotten how I used to hide as a child. It was a strange remembrance. Beside the china cabinet, I would hide from my dad when he came in the door. Next to the piano, I would listen to my parents in the kitchen. They were loud. I don’t remember the words they said, I only remember feeling alone, which was odd for how big my family was.

However, I great discovery occurred. As I quickly walked past my youth in hiding, I found myself in a place with a boy my mom babysat. He was my first best friend. We played dolls and watched scooby doo. He giggled and my heart was filled with a happiness I knew must be inherent to who I am. I am also grateful that I am still in contact with him and was able to express my gratitude to him.

It’s sad that the hiding days came, the nights crying myself to sleep as I listened to my mother do the dishes, wash the laundry and clean the kitchen all the while wishing she would just hold me tight and tell me everything would be ok. However, all of that did shape who I am. I now am so vigilant at giving my children everything they need. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but by leaving their dad, I am also giving them him. He only knows how to “dad” when I’m not there.

God gave me this life. I know he has a plan for me. I can’t always see it. But I promise I am doing my best to listen and follow. People in my life are changing, but God is giving me hope. Today I saw my ex-sister-in-law. The one who left my brother. The one I had been angry with. The girl who did the unthinkable said some enlightened things to me. She said, “You lose yourself.” That is exactly how I feel. I’ve lost myself. But God is working to get me back. He knew me before I was even formed in the womb.

 

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