“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon and give you peace.”

My bible studies have been struggling. I find so many things in the Bible that just don’t pertain to the day and age we live in and while I love history, I can’t get past the “rules.”

I’ve been struggling with rules lately too. I used to think that if you followed the rules, good things would happen. But I didn’t realize everyone has their own rules. Of course, murder is frowned upon by most everyone, things such as divorce are a personal preference.

Some people think marriage is forever. No matter what.

Some think marriage is forever, unless there is abuse.

Some people think marriage should be a bond between two happy people and if that isn’t working, leave!

These are our personal rules. We follow them and we look down upon anyone who doesn’t do what we think is the right thing.

A couple of things I have learned through all of this, including my own pastors and their most recent messages.

  1. The only path you need to follow is your own. You answer only to God. God will guide you and speak to you. All you have to do is listen.
  2. You might be the nicest person in the whole world, but you are bound to do something at some point that will make someone upset. So you might as well start now. Not that you should go on pissing people off, but if you are inhibiting yourself in order to please another, it’s only a matter of time when your light begins to shine and their world is disturbed by it. Why not make that now?
  3. God has a plan for you. The longer you fight it, the harder it will be. You can go ahead an make every single person living in your world the happiest people on earth, but if you are not following God’s plan, you will suffer.
  4. God will take care of you. As long as you listen, do what’s right in your own heart (and please spare others your judgements), God will provide and protect your mission.

I will never forget the moment I decided to live my own life. It was invigorating and terrifying. I had told my ex I wanted a divorce before and I never followed through. The terrifying parts grasped me until I couldn’t breath. I backed up and went back to a mediocre existence in order to not upset the status quo. I felt like the Bridges of Madison County was a noble and righteous life to live. Sacrifice yourself for the greater good. Look at me being all perfect over here. Look at my house, my car, my kids. I can feed them and drive them places. Look at me peck my husband on the cheek like I still love him.

It was exhausting and I finally realized it wasn’t for me. Maybe its for you. I am way beyond judging. I jumped ship. I swam for shore. I almost drowned so many times. But God placed people in my life to hold me up. The most unsuspecting people. There were some I thought would stand by my side through anything, only to find out they stabbed me in the back (they still don’t know I know). There were some I thought would only pass the time with me, provide distraction, and they still are here with me. They might even care a bit. There are a few who’s understanding, compassion and support of me living my fullest life shocked me and continue to be my rock.

All that matters through all of this is that God has taken care of me. God is with me through every ounce of my journey. Even if I don’t always get it right, I will continue to listen, I will continue to learn, to grow and become. God has a plan for me. I have things to do here.


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