I should have been very excited, but my body has this habit of disconnecting whenever I get in situations. Which is weird because getting baptized is not really a situation.

The story actually started yesterday when I went to class. I had spent the week with my boys. I tend to forget the self-care when I have them. It’s not productive in my mind to sit still and meditate so I “do” all kinds of other stuff. Like it makes sense to go to the store or even meet a friend, but to say I’m going to sit still for an hour doesn’t. Even though that time is exactly what my spirit needs.

It’s early in the morning on Saturday and I’m getting ready. Wondering if I’m going to be able to see “him” later. Wondering as in, already knowing, because I have this ability to already know stuff. Call it intuition for now.

It’s dark out, dreary, cold. I don’t make myself too pretty because I already know. Makeup and a hoodie is a great combination in this situation, but I pack my contacts and a pretty shirt just in case. I have a wish to meet up with an old friend that might pan out otherwise.

I put in the directions to class. I’ve never been to this campus before. I drive in the cold and dark. Each second gets more depressing. I finally arrive but the building looks creepy. Old stone buildings. They are mental hospitals. I am filled with an eeriness that seeps into my pores and starts to steal my energy.

I finally find the building. What is this beautiful college building doing amongst these creepy, asylum looking places? I’m just glad it was the beautiful building or I might have run and ditched my master’s degree altogether.

In class, I meet this woman. She looks to be in her 40s but dresses and acts to be in her 20s. She laughs a lot. I am scared I am looking into a mirror. Did I leave my marriage to become this? Why do I feel so anxious? It is only worse to hear that I’m not meeting him, and she is in fact my exact same age, divorced with children. Who am I to judge? I’m not. It’s these stupid feelings. Why do I feel like I’m in a fog? Why am I anxious and scared? Why do I want to cry?

It holds. I do end up meeting my old friend. We have a blast! Of course the hoodie held for phase one, but phase two was pretty shirt and contacts. I was out all night. Drinks and laughing. Boys and girls. Music and beer. Sharing old stories. Gaining new phone numbers. Making new connections. It was fantastic.

I thought I was cured. I go to bed at 1, I wake up at 4. No. I wake at 6. Noooo, I tell my body it is still tired. Go back to sleep. My baby is in my bed. He’s such a doll. I smell his sweet hair. I can squish him in tight like a teddy bear. I wake at 8. Fine. I have a paper or two to write anyway. I work.

The house is asleep, accept for one of the boys friends who is playing vids. I can’t believe it is now 9:15 and I forgot to drink coffee. I had none. My head is beginning to fog back up. I go to the store. All of these things mean nothing. I cook and make coffee. I wake up the house.

We go. I walk in the church and I feel it happening. My body is deciding its not going to cooperate with my mind. My mind is doing its own thing. They aren’t friends anymore and they disconnect.

Everything was wonderful. My sister and niece came.

I do not remember everything the pastor said, but I remember the blessing and the leaving behind. It was so fast and so slow at the same time. And then he leaned my back and I was under, coming back up as quickly as I went. It was such a strange experience and I could not control the smile on my face. It did feel hopeful.

And then normal came back. That quickly! I lied when someone asked me how I felt because I didn’t know how to explain. It was shocking. I was supposed to feel brand new but somehow I felt the same. Not only the same, but foggy and sad. I am made of sunshine. I don’t get foggy and sad. (Ugh. I do.)

I took the boys out for pizza. I bought my things for a ritual I was to do later. I took the boys to their dad’s and I cried the whole way home. Done. I am done. There you have it God, I got my crying in. What more do you want? I’m still not used to having emotions. When you live for so long with none, it can become exhausting.

Then Kathy called and I told her I was in a slump. I told her I had picked up some slugs while driving through creepy land. She agreed. My guides told her I needed the hot room. It’s funny because one is a native and he spoke of a hot tent. I knew exactly what he meant. I had already thought of going to the gym, but my brain talked me out of it.

So I went to the gym, I ran off the fog. As much as I could. I did all that I could and I went to the “hot” room. I sat. I listened. I sweated. The answers came. I even got so brave to ask a certain someone to call me later. I may have even had an authentic conversation with him. Feelings and emotions are so foreign and scary. Sometimes I think I want to put them back to wherever I was hiding them before. And then I remember that’s the whole reason I did this, this change, to begin with. I wanted to be alive again and now I am reborn.

 

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