I saw you today. Tall, beautiful, full of grace. You looked at me with compassion. Your movements flowed through the silk veil that embraced the curves of your body.
I thought I would see a warm smile, a reflection of happiness and welcoming glimpse into eternity. But all you gave me was a warning. It was hard to listen to you with your white hair all tousled on your head like a goddess, reflecting your love into me with no regards for the consequences.
Reality came and with that confusion. What did you mean? And then I lost all sense of me. I thought my sadness had ended and I had found a path filled with sunshine, lined with cool breezes and warm rain.
But I could see now that it was all an illusion. A lie I told myself so that every time I didn’t make a choice, every time I related to the other side, every time I made them feel comfortable with the pain they placed in front of me, I could ditch and dodge the responsibility of being me.
If I never decide who I am, I can always be everything for everyone. I can roll in with the tide, I can sing with the choir, I can dance at the party, I can drown in the hell I’ve created for myself. I’ve been drowning for so long, I can almost breath the water.
Have we met? There’s no way that we have because I don’t even know who I am. You look at me with those blue eyes and I watch them fill with sadness. How do you know so much about me? Don’t lose my compassion you say, but I don’t know how to love without giving all of me.
Teach me. Help me. Save me from myself. Someday I will look back at this so full of love it will drip off me like sweat and I will not recognize the person I was. I will stand with my convictions. I will not get lost in all the sweet sayings, nor the smells of summer, nor the strong, solid, stoic bodies that look like protection from the storms. I will be my own shelter.
Don’t let me burn it down.
Give me hope. I can see it in the way you reach out to me. You want to take me in, but I know you can’t. Not yet. I wouldn’t know how to get back out and what a waste all of this would be if I couldn’t even figure out how to navigate joy and pain in the same existence.