you told me what you thought. you smeared my face in the dirt and i took it all. and then you acted like the day was the same one that showed up last year. the year when everything lived in pretend.
i spent a few nights crying. i still do from time to time. remembering the times we laughed. but then i remember that it wasn’t me in those memories. it was the girl you created me to be, by your side.
i played the part, i’ll take that. i will own every ounce. but i have no clue how to be a part of the game now that i have decided to have my own thoughts. they spin and they swirl but most of all they believe. they believe in the goodness of the world and they are scared of the power that lives behind those claws you show when you feel threatened.
i don’t know how to go back to the times we laughed and played. we were so much fun. what happened to us? i don’t even know you, but then i remember, it’s you who never knew me.
it’s on me for never saying who i truly was, but i would have lost you years ago had i actually took the chance to let you see what lives in my heart and soul. so i hung on to the imaginary world of belonging to something that i thought was greater than me.
but just like the sands that flow over the smooth shore and erase all that lived there, you hid my spirit all the time. even though it is the most frightening thing i have ever done, and i’m still not sure if God will greet me with open arms, i still can’t play your games.
i walked away with the help of the idea that love might live in a valley that was bigger than both you and i. then i jumped off the cliff. i thought i would never look back and it is all i can do to not ask what might have been.
yet, i look at you. the stories have changed. although, you have never been my confident, i was always yours. i didn’t know how much that painted who i am.
new times crave for new loves. i want to love you just the same, but just as every disappointment, i will realize that you were not a god after all. you were always made of human flesh. this whole time a heart beat inside you chest. how could i have been so stupid?