“So it was always: the cloud covered it by day and the appearance of fire by night. And whenever the cloud lifted from over the tent, after that the people of Israel set out, and in the place where the cloud settled down, there the people of Israel camped.”

When the cloud is settled is when I get most anxious. Sitting still in a place unmoving, knowing that the cloud will lift and I will have to move forward again. I just want to do it now.

I don’t understand why my brain cannot comprehend that there is no end destination. Even when the cloud lifts and it is time to move, it only leads to another place of camping which only lasts a short while. And if I remember right, even with God on their side, the people of Israel have never rested.

Why would it be any different for me? Why do I think I will reach a point where everything will be all figured out? It drives me insane and causes me to make “deals”.

God, How about I pray every morning and go to church every Sunday, then you send me a perfect partner? Deal?

Even when I type it, it makes me laugh. I know better, but I still think those thoughts in my head. It makes me want to scream. Until I remember, that I’ve known all along, God will guide me. God will provide for me and He/She is the one in charge. As much as I trick myself into believing that I stand a chance at negotiating what I am supposed to get out of this life, I really just need to wait for the cloud to lift and then move forward. The steps I take, will lead me to the next place where I will camp and learn life’s next lessons.

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