I might not feel this ache. It pulses in me waiting to burst and split me in two. I’m not sure it was worth it. I’m not sure what happened to get me here and I’m not sure if I hate it or love it.
I grieve my past. It was wonderful, it was awful. It was so void of any emotion, I’m not sure I was even alive. I must have been once. I swear I loved him, but I don’t remember what it felt like. All I can feel right now is that disappointment when I acted like a fool. Who am I but that nearly every day of my life? I’m sorry if I’ve never mastered how to behave.
But maybe it was in those moments when I acted just as you liked, that you showered me with love? I wish I could say it was true, but all I remember was you running farther and farther away. You didn’t turn back until I started going my own way.
That’s not fair, you know. To wait until I’m near gone. You waited until you had lost me to even try. I gave you my all and fell deeper and deeper until the day came when I couldn’t breathe. Then I turned it all off. No emotion can hurt me if I keep them at bay.
Now I feel them all. All at once sometimes. I had them off for so long, I didn’t know they were still a part of me. And then he looked at me that way.
Why did you have to do that to me? I swear I was just fine. But God must have a plan for me that’s bigger than I know. Because you looked at me and an emotion returned to surface. I felt my breath catch. Maybe I was suffocating myself the whole time, slowly dying.
I tell myself that you have it too. That you didn’t mean to do it. That you were fine without feeling and something happened that caused you to look over at me. I tell myself that you suffer too. Because how can I stand this much pain if I can’t share it?
I don’t even know why it hurts. It shouldn’t hurt at all. It should be like finding money on the sidewalk. Enough to excite you, yet not enough to make you throw away your past and start new. Yet I really feel like I found a roller coaster in the woods. Where no one can find me and pull me out. I go up and down, faster and faster and it feels as though it will never end. The highs are so high, yet the lows are so low. Everything is coming back and I have to fight from falling so you don’t break me to pieces.