I hate starting at the beginning.
If I could see you shine, it might make more sense. But I’ll trust in the experience anyway. Naked to the world, fixed on the past full of mistakes and clinging to the fact that it was all worth my while.
It came to the point where the time quit ticking, the road stopped turning and the endless meadows turned to fields of dirt. It all looked the same. Rough, desolate, full of a dust that would choke you to death.
I had to get out. I was dying in there. I grabbed myself and, knowing that my loves would be caught in the middle meant I had to water the garden as I ran. I have no problem playing nice if it means they get some peace. I never got any of that.
I take it back. Before it ended, I gave up on hope. That was when I lost all feeling. I wish it had never gotten to that, yet at the same time, had my fire not gone out, I might have burned it all down.
Now, I face the time when the floodgates are on, yet scheduled to meet when appropriate. I sat naked in front of my creator, placed blessings on my space. Called to the Goddess to guide me. And tore open my past. Still, the emotions hung on the surface as I said my goodbyes. Until it was time to say goodbye to that little girl.
She still needs me. It’s not about love anymore. She knows she is loved. She has faced that lion head on and roared right back in its face. She needs to know she will survive. And not only survive like that coke addict across the street who raves about strippers and powder, but thrive. Thrive with her dreams dancing in the forefront. Marching headfirst into another existence that she has yearned for her whole life.
Okay. I will give that to you. And in acknowledging that it is now my life’s ambition to protect her, it finally became real. Now existed. And the emotion changed to something that made more sense.
All this time, the pain that floated along inside the core of my being, which I thought was my penance for the decisions I made, I thought would stay with me forever, turned into a deep seated pain. A pain in recognizing that all she ever wanted was not love, but to be safe. She needed to be safe. Why would her fear always be of losing everything anyway?
It doesn’t matter anymore. Because after the intentions were set, the ritual put to bed, the drinks began to flow and so did the tears. Why do they always wait for the high to make them clear? That will change too. It has to soon.
The grieving had begun. I gave up everything. I said goodbye to all of the past and I set my eyes to the future. I put my faith in trusting what will come will come. I will need it all.
Everyday before I walked away, I begged God to be clear in His signs so that I would know which step to take. So I wouldn’t fall on my face. I wear the scars of all the times I stumbled. Of all the times I jumped without looking. Clinging to a feeling that I thought would last forever, only to find it was a mirror with two sides.
Today was clear. I saw that Queen of Hearts. I will march on into the place that you showed me in my dreams. The place where I stand tall and free, loved, protected, and abundant in happiness. Thank you for providing me every ache that I needed to build myself. Thank you for ridding me of all the experiences that were past due their time. Thank you for placing just the right people in front of my face and just the right things inside of my hands.
A chapter has ended and a new one begun.