“Our faith in others betrays wherein we would rather have faith in ourselves. Our longing for a friend is our betrayer. And often with out love we want merely to overlap envy. And often we attack and make ourselves enemies, to conceal that we are vulnerable.”
I literally fell apart again. Sometimes I wonder if the world is conspiring against me. But then I remember that my teacher wants me to be whole again. These lessons might break me down, but I always come out stronger than I was.
It’s easy for me to look outside. To wish that he would have provided stability for me. To wish that the way he makes it look on the outside with the house and the cars, is really a concrete, solid substance that won’t vanish in any instant, but I also still get the phone calls from the electric company saying the bill hasn’t been paid. That’s the sort of thing that killed me.
It’s easy for me to look at my parents. To wish my dad would never have had to gone to war. That he wouldn’t have had to drink away all of the feelings he had. That my mother would have been able to be her true self, not frozen by the fear of doing everything right and then imposing that on all those around her.
It’s easy for me to look to my friends. To be angry at them when they don’t read my mind and show up when I need them. To require of them constant praise and support in order to feel secure in my decisions.
It’s easy for me to say that someday everything will be okay. That the “right” person will show up and we will be able to make it work together. This one is the hardest to believe though. I don’t trust anyone. Not that I lived with a liar, well, maybe, sure, yes, I lived with a liar and half-truth giver and in fact my very best friend was born in the exact same mold. They pulled me this way and that in order to feed their needs and all the while I thought I was feeding mine.
Now today. I fell apart, but I haven’t lost my spirit. I’ve worked too hard to find it. I looked for signs and answers. I’ll admit I had begun dreaming again. Dreaming of friends who could take away the pain. That’s always when I get put in my place. It was not three days ago that I promised the little girl I would take care of her and today I am looking for comfort from others?
This is when the best life lessons happen again. I am here alone. With my children of course, but I know better than to take from them. I am reminded that I can and I will take care of myself. That people are people with their flaws and their problems. Only the loving, kindness of the higher beings can provide for me the comfort that I need. And that lives within me. I have found it before. It is time to reconnect. I am my best friend. I take care of myself. I am my comfort. Everyone else in my life is a bonus that I get to share while they work on the same.