I pushed it down so hard, it burned inside me. Why did you even call me? It was supposed to be a beautiful day full of last minute hugs and memories. I had just spend an ice cream minute and was on to my coffee hour.
But instead, you told me how wrong I was like I’d never heard it before. I should expect it, but I didn’t from you. I truly thought you were on my side. It’s interesting how the battle begins and each person takes their allegiance. I only thought my people would have mine.
But you swap sides like its a simple choice of which candy you would eat at this second in your day. Make no matter that its my blood flowing in you as it is in me, as it is in her. I should have known you two were the same.
It makes me hate her. She was supposed to be my best friend. You, my mother. She’s just like you.
I still stand on my small mountain that I built when I decided I had a worth enough to be myself. Too bad that neither one of you sees who I really am, because I am becoming something beautiful. At least most days, when you don’t remind me where I came from and that I might not make it out at all.
I hate to look at my children with tears in my eyes and I do my best to wipe them away without them seeing. Because then they will ask why and I will have to tell them. I will have to tell them that the people I thought loved me turned out to be monsters.
Does that sound harsh? Tell me how wishing me harm could sound any different out of a saints lips. You have none. Wish, want, or see, its all the same. It lives in your thoughts and grows from your hopes. Is it too much to see me succeed while you pretend you are happy in failure?
Doesn’t it kill you that I am not suffering like you think I should? I should be miserable, shouldn’t I? I’m sorry you didn’t have it as easy as me. But guess what? It’s not easy. I lie to you because I don’t want what you will dish me. I know you’ll tell me another story about how horrible my father was in order to make me feel better. It doesn’t.
And she will remind me that it was all my fault, all my choice and that I wanted to be sad and heartbroken. I want to scream at you both and tell you that all I ever wanted from anyone was…
Your judgements aren’t helping me. They mean nothing. Your fears no longer cripple me. But they do all stop me in my tracks and ruin my whole day. They make me cry. It’s new, I know. And I never believe them when they happen so I never know what to say. Now that I’ve had a second to think…
My life is a string of decisions only I can make. No matter how many you would like to make for me in order to spare me from some experience you had that was not so wonderful. You’ll never exactly know what it is I need saved from. Your skin is not my skin, your breath not my breath, your love does not grasp to the same people that mine does. In fact, you will never understand the depth of my love and that it belongs to so many…including those who hurt me. Including you. You, who told me I was making a mistake. You, who said I should be careful. I love you just as much as I have my whole life. That is what kills me. That I have to hate you in order to save myself from some amount of pain. I guess I never really knew how to tell you my true feelings. Today I gave them to someone else. He may or may not keep them safe, but it doesn’t matter. Because it will never hurt as much as the day when you took my feelings, the ones that were eating me from the inside out, and told me I wanted them.