“The one goes to his neighbor because he seeks himself, and the other because he would rather lose himself. Your bad love to yourselves makes solitude a prison to you.”

It wasn’t even two weeks ago I struggled to spend time alone. I would be the character looking to lose myself. I could morph into anyone that I was with in order to become what was necessary for them to want to spend more time with me. I had no identity. Unless making others feel safe and loved is an identity.

I don’t want to lose that part of me. That’s why its been so hard. I know the pain it feels to not be liked and I don’t want anyone to feel not liked by me. But the thing I’ve discovered is that when you like others and they like you, they expect you to want to do the same things as you. Which would be easy if it was eating cheeseburgers or going vegan. I could care less about that (although I do love cheeseburgers).

But I realized there was one or two people I used to spend a lot of time with and they definitely defined who I was. I was expected to act their way, to think the same thoughts, to never disagree. I think its possible that one of them realized a long time ago that I was different and was okay with me. I just wasn’t okay with him after all.

The other, the one I considered to be my other half, had no clue who I was. Every time I opened my mouth to speak, she would fill it with her own words. And it’s my fault that I let her. She was just so good at talking circles that in the end I would believe that I always agreed with her.

Recently, I began thinking my own thoughts. Devising my own idea of what is right and what is wrong and what is neither of those. She’s catching on, because she did ask me once if I would like to join her plot. At first we went the same old route. Where I began to speak what I thought and she convinced me what she was doing was the right thing to do. And God forbid I ever get left out of something. What a strange fear to have.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that, no, I don’t want any part of the plot. I will do my own thing and in that, I will do my best to not hurt others along the way. I’m sorry that it hurts you, me not being a part of your devious ways, but it hurts me more to join you.

Today, I sit alone. I connect with my higher self as much as possible. Sometimes I’m even lonely. I have lost the two people I was closest with and the worst part is it is by my own choice. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmingly sad and I cry my eyes out. But for the first time in my life, I am okay with that too and I don’t reach out for someone to fix it. Of course, I love the new people in my life who are willing to cry and fight with me. As long as they are being true. That’s a whole other issue I’m working on and begins by recognizing the higher being that resides in them. I wonder how close they connect and if they struggle too.

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