“The voice of the herd will still echo in you. And when you say, “I have no longer a conscience in common with you,” then will it be a plaint and a pain.”
The real work on my awakening journey began when I started making decisions that went against the status quo. You are supposed to be married forever. It’s right in the vows and I’m not dead nor is he. The only other acceptable reason for leaving is abuse of some sort. People don’t leave just because they are unhappy. They fix that or live with it. Well, I tried to fix it. I promise you that. But at some point I had to realize my life was my own. And I left.
I’ve had lots of help, lots of progress, and lots of setbacks in my journey. I have felt every emotion I had been missing out on when I deadened myself in order to survive a marriage. And now I have created my own reality. One thing I have learned is that I am my own best friend and my own worst enemy.
I hated being alone. That was one of the reasons I stayed in my marriage for so long. Fear of being alone, of doing this thing called life all on my own. I baby stepped my way out, finding comfort in others, but being careful not to cling too tight, knowing they wouldn’t be there forever. Now I find myself truly alone. I don’t mean I have no friends. I could call on many loving people at any time and they would be there for me. I mean I have learned that the only person I have is me and the reality I have created.
Humans can only be human. Including myself. I am riddled with thoughts and emotions. And if I, myself, am riddled, I can only imagine what others are going with on their own. So who am I to ask someone to take on my things? To make me comfortable and whole. I don’t even know how to do that for myself.
And what I have realized is we are not meant to be comfortable and whole at every moment. Some moments are meant to be broken. We are meant to cry until we can’t breath. We fall down and reach for the earth beneath us in hopes that it will bury us alive and take away the pain. At times we are meant to celebrate. To scream, jump and cry out to the world that we are making it. And we are meant to experience everything in between.
We become our own enemy when we start to believe we have any control over when and how that happens. We become our own enemy when we believe another person can do anything other than experience it with us. We are responsible for our own reactions and for being there for others as they wrestle with theirs. We are meant to walk this earth and love each other.