Know that I might have fallen. If I had given myself the chance…if the fear of the edge hadn’t held me in its grips, I might have jumped over into the abyss, into the endless ecstasy that I felt from the first time you looked at me. It would have taken me…and I couldn’t let that happen. I had only just experienced a glimpse of who I was capable of becoming.
I look out at all the lost souls. They speak to me in twisted tongues and they all look for love that rains from the skies like tears from their lover. I wish they could see the love that is looking at them from across the room, held in the hand of the one that walked next to them into this divine space.
Yet, they look at me with longing eyes and make me believe all hope is lost. I shouldn’t cast demons on them, when I held my own not too long ago. Maybe had I lived another life, I would have felt what my past called love, but I only felt contempt and greed. Maybe if I wasn’t empty from the beginning, I never would have tried to love at all. Maybe I never even knew what it was. It has only caused me pain.
I didn’t want to gift that to you. That longing that is born from a need to be nurtured as a broken bird. To be flightless only because my wings were clipped by good intentions was exactly what almost killed me before. I wasn’t strong enough yet to sing my own song.
I promise you this. When tomorrow comes, I will be ready. I will look at you with these eyes. I hope I still see the man I saw before and I hope you still see me too. Only this time, I will be strong enough not to buckle under my own insecurity, my own fears.
I hope I get the chance to see what lies behind the dark, brown eyes that hide your own pain, your happiness, your sorrows and joys. I pray I can see past the beautiful distraction I painted you to be, to see the truth you really are.
I wait for the day to come again, when you wrap your arms around me, slowly. When your hands touch my bare skin and send warm whispers through my body. When you look at me as if I’m the only other person alive. When your lips press into mine and I get the chance to lose myself in a dream world that only exists for us. Only this time, I hope you are strong enough to hold me and I’m strong enough to not be crushed.