I was looking for an inspirational quote to guide me into the new year. I kept seeing these ones about happiness and how its a choice and blah, blah, blah.

Truth: That didn’t work for me.

I woke up every morning with a list of things to be grateful for and went to bed every night doing the same. I laughed the other day when I told my friend that I would convince myself every morning that I was happy to have another day.

I would have rather the breath didn’t enter to wake me.

Sure, I had everything. Husband, kids, house, car, job. What did I have to complain about?  What a selfish thing to want… happiness. I should have had it all along.

Should’ve. Should. Should do. Shouldn’t have done. My life in simple terms. I vow to live my future trashing those words. They have ruined me.

The cool thing about being ruined though, is that you get to rebuild.

One day, a spark sets you on fire. It feels so good, until you realize you burned your house down in the process.

Home was built on best friends and trust. But after the flames ignited, they all scattered. Trust was an illusion built on non answers to hard questions. Friendship was built on an expectation that I would perform as expected. I had no idea.

The illusion crumbled first. But that was easy because it had crumbled many years before. I had spent the time convincing myself that it could become a solid form again. It was a relief to let it go.

Expectations hurt. They still do. To believe you don’t live up to your best friends expectations is a cruel feeling that smothers you. It smothers you so bad, you forget who you are. You become a replica of yourself with all the best parts lying in wait.

Thank Goddess/God for those compassionate people who have entered my life. Those wild spirits who remind me constantly that life has no rule book to follow. That we are each allowed to dream! We get to have our own mind, our own feelings, our own definition of a life well lived.

I am blessed. Because while I still fall back from time to time, I have my tribe to lift me up. They howl to the moon with me and together we sing our praises. To the men and women who are brave enough to choose their own path, it doesn’t mean you will be drenched in happiness every day. It is not a choice. You will hurt, and suffer more than anyone else in this world because the truth is, status quo is the easy road.

But it is worth it to soar. To have a sisterhood, a brotherhood, of those that believe in all this life has to offer and refuse to settle for anything less than every ounce of feeling, including the pains, THAT is true happiness. You be you and I’ll be me, my brothers and sisters, and we can share the love that each of us brings. But trust me when I say this; I have found a new super power, if you are a bullshitting wannabe, you can go ahead and join the zombies playing monotonous games in the status quo. I’ll be too busy dancing with my friends in the rain to care if you feel left out.

 

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