We both sat, papers signed, judgement complete. Free people in a cold world. I don’t know why I couldn’t stop crying. But the car ran, fumes enveloping as the brisk cold air carried them away. I watched the lights on your truck turn on, red. Red on white.

An eternity passed. I couldn’t go first. What would I have done had you left that truck and walked to me? I thought about that for a second. A man fighting for love. Is it sexy or sad? I don’t know the difference and I’d probably run from both.

Then I stopped. The red turned to white as it reversed from its static position, and then you were gone. Time was over for reminiscing. Back to the real world where paperwork waits on desks and conversations are on pause until returns render their importance again. For a moment, courthouse bans allowed for a reprieve from polite functioning society and left me to my feelings.

They made no sense. Dread and despair when I should have been rejoicing. The anger returned just in time for the text that asked me to explain, yet again, but can’t you see it’s over?

Finally, I returned to normal life only to be reminded that the pain in my chest was born from a child. A child that lived hatred in the form of two lost lovers. She cried as she poured her heart into a letter to her own children, promising things be different, be healthy and strong.

And then finally the time came when she heard their little voices at the other end of a line. Week off, week on. She’d eventually get used to it. But another day had passed. The deepness in the oldest reminded her his maturity, the excitement in the youngest reminded her his youth. The sadness had no place in I, it only lives in she.

She has survived it all. I am born again.


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