For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11
Somedays come with a punch in the gut. Time stands still, or rather has been for quite some time as I’ve been navigating a new existence. One where I stand on my own two feet with a love for me greater than any one else can provide. Yet, I still fall back on the juvenile need to be taken into an embrace that melts away all the anxiety and fear that seems to be programmed into me.
I struggle with the idea that I must fight that programming and forgive my upbringing that left me so abandoned and reaching out for the first warm soul that showed me any sign of affection. Looking back, I realize it was all a mirage.
But the day came when the rug was pulled out yet again. Reminded that I prayed for Goddess to make sure the man I was pining for was a whole, strong, and spiritually sound being before placing him in my life, I still argue with the programmed idea that I can help with that. My heart sits in pain and remembers that God has my best interest at the end of this long road and patience is a necessary ingredient keeping me from another cycle into which my self gets buried under the weight of another’s needs.
Back and forth, thoughts scream at me. The old me and the new me argue until the pain inside me burns so intensely I’m afraid I might combust and lose my battle with eternity. I find myself back to days of doubt and envy those who were born into a life with a love and trust in such higher powers.
So I pray. No, I beg. Plead. Take this pain away. If you really have my path planned that leads to joy and happiness, I will trust you. But I am scared. I don’t see what you see. I only have human eyes. I know I cannot stand another second of walking around with this dread inside.
The time passes slowly. I continue to beg for relief and then for a sign. If I am to trust and not believe that this is what I am to endure in this life, show me it is all worth it. That the pain I sit with, without reaction or response is going to amount to something worth it. Tell me I am not doomed to live with this loneliness, this heartache, this abandonment, this pain for a whole lifetime.
And then the song plays. Believer, by Imagine Dragons. I don’t even listen to that station anymore. Wait, it isn’t even playing on that station. I leave the car to peruse another store. Returning to my drive, the song plays again. It’s not even popular anymore. I cannot take this as coincidence. I look up the words and sit while they sink in. First signs that I am heard….yet it is not enough for me. It could still be a chance.
Then, through my increasing pleads, I have no choice but to enter a store that I did not want to go in. It’s one of those stores whose principles I do not stand behind, yet I am shopping for a friend’s birthday present and I must think of her. She has a love for crosses. It would be easy to brush off my next experience as nothing more than a coincidence, but I avoided this store. I tried to find my cross elsewhere with no luck at all. I had no reason to be standing in the place I was standing, but forced because of no other option and then drawn to that exact space because my eye has a love for geography. A hanging canvass with a map of the world, tan and plain, but beautiful. I look to the left as my mind is still battling thoughts that I have no way out, that I have lost in the battle of love, when I see the quote, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future,” Jeremiah 29:11.
I am reminded that the pain I feel is temporary. Pain only makes pleasure that much stronger. I am built from pain. I ask for you to take it then, God. I will trust that even if this love is meant for me, you are working on him to be what I deserve. I will trust that if he is not what I deserve, you will lead me to what it is. I will live in hope and a future. And then, in an instant, the pain subsided. It was gone.
It is not gone for good. It creeps back and I refuse it. I say I have been blessed with enough vision to know my Goddess and my God are working on my story (I did not mention my conversations with my psychic friend, but they are just as validating to me). My story will be a happy one. The pain will be the catalyst that led me to victory. My victory lies in learning to love myself unconditionally and others as well. In that, I will be set to receive. Not only to receive but to believe myself worthy of it all.