In the grasp of life’s delusion’s you brought me wings in the shape of a man. Broad shouldered and strong in unwavering belief that all will be as it should, he gave me hope that the world would sort itself out.
It has. I have found my feet stand firm against the earth and I have learned to navigate all emotions as they flow in and around who I have become. Still, I cannot shake him. He has abandoned what he was to me. Left his post as a soldier gone awol, even in the midst of the battle, as soon as the bullets began heading in his direction.
He was strong and bold until he felt his own safety suffering, and then he vanished. He returned to the comfort of a warm bed and simple smile from a face of someone without the fire that lives in me. I am a fire that draws the moth. I am the moth that is ever teasing at the dance with death. I have grown to feel every moment as if nothing and yet everything matters more than anything has before.
I have lost my need for him. He no longer serves any purpose for me besides constant torture at his presence. The games he still plays remind me that they always were. He who aired his strength now shows me he is in more need of flame and praise from the girl that looked up from her puddle of despair.
Despair has taken a different road. Bold grows in my bones. Yet still…..still, with each emotion that passes through, each rage that sit blistering behind my eye, each embarrassing masquerade, each sorrow that causes me to simply cry,
I cannot shake this feeling of loss. I have mourned each and every soul that has sauntered out of my life. Why won’t you just go?
God, I beg, bring me back. You gave me the strength to stand against the roar of a lion draped in the skin of my best friend. You have pulled me from the dread of a slow death in the company of an acquaintance I once called my only true love. You have stood me against those who believed they could do me no harm as they pecked away. Bring me this peace. Walk me through this fire. Help me to the other side. Let me let him go before I become nothing but the ash.